The Balderdasher

The Dainty Squid

Sorry that I haven't updated in a while, things have been busy!! To catch you up:
-I went on a date with the girl from the drag dance. We got coffee, and it went really well! Though she was all like "I actually can't get involved with anyone", it doesn't particularly matter because she is cute, and I have faith that she will come around eventually. There is a drag dance next weekend on campus and I really hope she comes, she seemed like she wanted to.
-Spring break was the week before last, and that was nice. I didn't really do much, hung out with friends, like, once. Worked a bit, organized things for adding my second major and how to get my license to teach. I really just hung out around the house most of the time.
-Since being back, I have attempted to talk to the Drag girl, and it's been innocent flirting, and working my feminine wiles one her. I've worked out some meetings and what not in order to add my major.
-Last night, we made huge fort out of blankets and played a grand game of never have I ever, also known as slut on the bus while we drank rum, and it was fantastic.
Currently, I am sitting on a pile of blankets and writing this, and awaiting the great tie dying adventure of 2011. It's mighty cold out, but we are tough and can handle anything.
Here have a picture of a puppy in a basket for reading my rambles:

So this weekend, in short consisted of:
Friday:
-Hockey game.
Saturday:
-North Hampton (Used record store and used book store. I could live in either for the rest of my life.)
-Drag Dance. (Which included a drag show hosted by Lady Sabrina and had Jujubee who was on RuPauls Drag Race I think...)
-So many girls in drag. SO MANY.
-Danced with cute girl in drag. Got her name and now I'm friends with her in Facebook.
Sunday:
-Went out to lunch with a different girl than those previously mentioned here or in another post. She is nice, but I don't think it was be anything more than a friendship.
-Just messaged Alex and the girl in drag on Facebook asking the drag girl to a coffee, and telling Alex that I will be in the DC tomorrow from 1 to 3 and that she should come by and chat and what not.

Now I'm sitting in Gracie and Anna's room and trolling the internet while we are watching Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. I will later go to my room and bask in the awesomeness of this weekend, for not only myself, but also for Meghan who made one hell of a ballsy move and it worked out really well. I'm so happy for the both of us.

Well, yesterday was Valentines Day: a day of love and red and hearts and roses and general icky mushyness. Of course, as I was recently dumped, (though I really think I'm getting over it and all that...) I was all like "Fuck Valentines Day, it's dumb. I am going to wear black. Fuck you all." So that's what I did. I wore a super cute outfit that was my black jersey dress and a plaid top and my maroon tights with my black boots. I was looking really really cute, and I was hoping to maybe just maybe talk to Franklin girl (that red head mention in earlier posts). So blah blah blah the day went on and I went to class and whatever. 160 was fine, long and involved talking and then a pretty fun exercise which out team totally won! YES!

Alright, so a few years back when I first started this blog, I started it up in the middle of winter, and complained a lot about snow. I never had any idea that snow could be this torturous. For real. We have had like 3 snow days, cancellations and delays in the past two weeks that we've been back. And the snow that is falling today and tomorrow is supposed to be terrible. It's really bad right now, and it's like stabby little daggers of cold wet death that. I have class now, so I'm gonna go to that.

So I have decided to add a major: Women's, Gender & Sexuality Studies. But I really want to focus on the gender/sexuality side of it, specifically with the education of high school kids about the LGBTQ community. So I called my mum the other day to tell her all this, and this is what she told me:

So I gave Maggie and her family presents for Christmas… and her mum sent me a thank-you card. Isn't that against the code of girlfriends? Like really?! How awkward is that, to get a freaking "thank-you for the scarf, it's so warm" letter?! Ugh I really hate breaking up. It sucks on all levels. I guess that's it really... I just wanted to rant and rave about that a little bit.

In other news, it's fucking cold out, and it fucking sucks. My classes are really great. And I had 2 salads for lunch and dinner today (one for each) and I've only had desert once since I've been back, which I'm proud of! I think I'm gonna go to the gym tomorrow, between 160 and Psych. My roommate is doing Zumba classes down at the rec center, and I think I'm gonna join that. Get me out and moving, even though I can't do any sort of hip dance moves... (I save all mine for the bedroom bahahaha!)

So I'm gonna go and do some reading and responses now. I just wanted to update you-all three of you-on my life and how freaking awkward it is. Oh also! That cute redhead with the glasses form the dance (now calling her Franklin girl) has been nowhere to be found. I don't know her name, what year she is, where she lives. Ugh, I just want to get to know her. But the redhead from my 132 lecture is 100% a girl. Tighter top, skinny jeans, and Uggs is what she was wearing today. I wanted to sit next to her, but didn't because she came in later than me with a friend. Ugh. I just want to find someone...

So this is my spring semester schedule. I think it's really great, I'm busy most of the day, and the times where I have big chunks of free time mean I can go get a coffee and find somewhere to sit and do some work. Today for example, things were delayed two hours because of the ice problem. Though that didn't affect me. Anyway, I got up at 9, got ready, and left by 9:40 to go across campus to Marcus Hall, for Math, which is in the engineering department. Class was let out 15 minutes early because it was still the introductory first class of the semester so here are my rules etc etc... Then I met up with some friends for lunch, where we saw Sweeney Todd,

why did i do this?

so im on my phone and the formatting is shit. please excuse this blog.... but im at the mall and joanns isnt fucking open. all i want to do is go and buy some yarn to go down and knit with my grandmother. and joanns isnt even open. gahhh i hate when the rest of the mall opens way later than certain stores. and omg the arcade just turned on and made all sorts of popping sounds i thought it was exploding.

When you date someone, you share a lot of things. Things like jokes, books, kisses, sweatshirts, looks, and music. A lot of the time, when I break up with someone, I can't listen to that music. After the whole fiasco with she-who-must-not-be-named, I didn't listen to mutually liked music or music she gave me. I still cannot listen to Brand New because of her. This will change now.

So I don't feel so bad ranting and freaking out here. And anyone that does read this is probably family or friends and have heard it in person anyway. So here goes:

Today, Maggie broke up with me. I can't even think about that sentence without getting teary. Basically, she got home from Spain, and it was all good for like, a day. And then things got strange. She was shorter with answers, and kinda blowing me off though for what I thought were valid reasons.
(Interjection: I just looked at my cladagh, and it's not how it has been for over a year. God this sucks.)
Anyways... she said that rather than me coming come over to give her her Christmas present, that it would be a god idea me to come over because we had some things to talk about while she's home. Now mind you, she's been home since the 16th. It's the 21st. Whatever. I said yes, because why wouldn't I want to go over and hang out my girlfriend while she's only home for less than a month. So I get all my shit together: her parent's gifts, the family to family present, all my stuff, and head over there. By now, it's like 12:30. So I go in, with all my stuff, and take off my coat, shoes, gloves, put the presents down, and sit down. She's making tea, and asks if I want some. I say yes, and while it's steeping go over to hug her. I hug her from behind, and there is nothing in response. No hugging back, she didn't even touch me. So I say "I feel like you have something bad to tell me" and she says "Well, yeah". So I sit down across from her, and look at her. She is beautiful, even all stressed looking about the words she is about to say to me.
She starts in on how it's not me, and I haven't done anything wrong, and I automatically know where it's going. She tells me that she thinks I use her as an excuse for not going out at school. She thinks our relationship is holding the both of us back. She says that she's definitely going back to Spain next year, and that things have changed. I was her first relationship, and she doesn't want something that is permanent or forever. And yeah, I admit that I had said things along these lines... but after we'd been together for a year. She wants to play the field, so to speak. She said to me "I might have told you once that you were the love of my life, but I just don't feel that way anymore. I still love you, just not like that anymore."

And then she opened the floor to me. And I just sat there, looking everywhere but at her. I didn't know what to say, because I love her. She is my best friend, my lover, and my girlfriend. It just fucking sucks. Never once did she say to me that she was breaking up with me... she kinda just left it hanging. So after a long silence, and me trying to hold in my tears, I say "So you're breaking up with me". Her response :"Yes". Me: "Okay. I'm not going to sit in your kitchen and break down. Tell your family Happy Christmas. Goodbye." And I walked out.

I made it two steps out the door before my eyes were welling over with tears, and breathing got hard. I made it down the street before the sobs were so loud, I couldn't hear the radio. I called my mum, and she freaked out, and said that I shouldn't be driving, but that she would meet me at the barn in a little while. It took me a half hour before I calmed down enough to do work.

I don't know what to do... It's like the time I broke my elbow at the beginning of April vacation, where I broke it the first day, and couldn't do anything but sit and watched movies on the couch all drugged up. It's exactly like that: She broke up with me 4 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS and at the beginning of break, and I will be miserable for the rest of break, until I go back to school. UGH.

I don't want to be the girl who gets broken up with, who sits and wallows for days and days, and at the end had gained both Ben and Jerry to each hip. I want to wallow for a little bit, because I honestly think she was the love of my life. I still think that. I love her. And I can't change that... at least for a while. Someday, I will be able to be friend, even if it kills be because I value her friendship so much. I can't imagine losing her as a friend. It will just take a little bit. And her brother is the cutest thing ever, even though he was the last person I wanted to talk to. He messages me on Facebook, and asks if we can still be friends. Tears then and now as I think about it, but he's just so sweet.

Okay. I'm done. I don't want to cry about this any longer.
Maggie, sorry if you read this and think badly of me. It's the only place that I feel I can write this where you and your friends and family will see I'm sorry.

Mental breakdowns.
I'm not having one, I'm just being dramatic. But I feel like that right about now. Maggie is leaving tomorrow. Like gone for 16 weeks, 4 months.

I am so happy for her, and super jealous. But at the same time I am so terrified that everything is going to change, because she's going off to Spain, and I'm going off to Amherst. It's just really scary to think that we won't be able to hug or kiss or even actually look at each other until December, when I'm going down to St. Croix.

I dunno.
It's bittersweet. Just like camp was.

Camp though was great this summer! Totally going back next year!!!

Mmmm that's about it.
Kbye.

Once On This Island for the staff show.
New phone.
FUCKING HOT WEATHER.

I miss Maggie.
D:
It's hot.
And I'm really sleepy. D:

OMFG I LOVE HARRY POTTERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

$26,000 a year, and $1,400 a month.

That is what the government is paying me to go to college. Can your hardly believe it?? I know I can't. So basically, I owe my step dad everything. I'm going to college for free.

I can't handle it.

It's raining today, and we're still teaching. Tomorrow is my day off, and Tizzy and I are having a movie marathon while everyone else goes to Franconia Falls. OH! I'm going to dye my hair too!!

I miss Maggie, it was her birthday yesterday! I hope her card gets there soon!

Breakfast now, more updates later!

Kthxbye

Camp Changes!