so im on my phone and the formatting is shit. please excuse this blog.... but im at the mall and joanns isnt fucking open. all i want to do is go and buy some yarn to go down and knit with my grandmother. and joanns isnt even open. gahhh i hate when the rest of the mall opens way later than certain stores. and omg the arcade just turned on and made all sorts of popping sounds i thought it was exploding.
When you date someone, you share a lot of things. Things like jokes, books, kisses, sweatshirts, looks, and music. A lot of the time, when I break up with someone, I can't listen to that music. After the whole fiasco with she-who-must-not-be-named, I didn't listen to mutually liked music or music she gave me. I still cannot listen to Brand New because of her. This will change now.
So I don't feel so bad ranting and freaking out here. And anyone that does read this is probably family or friends and have heard it in person anyway. So here goes:
Today, Maggie broke up with me. I can't even think about that sentence without getting teary. Basically, she got home from Spain, and it was all good for like, a day. And then things got strange. She was shorter with answers, and kinda blowing me off though for what I thought were valid reasons.
(Interjection: I just looked at my cladagh, and it's not how it has been for over a year. God this sucks.)
Anyways... she said that rather than me coming come over to give her her Christmas present, that it would be a god idea me to come over because we had some things to talk about while she's home. Now mind you, she's been home since the 16th. It's the 21st. Whatever. I said yes, because why wouldn't I want to go over and hang out my girlfriend while she's only home for less than a month. So I get all my shit together: her parent's gifts, the family to family present, all my stuff, and head over there. By now, it's like 12:30. So I go in, with all my stuff, and take off my coat, shoes, gloves, put the presents down, and sit down. She's making tea, and asks if I want some. I say yes, and while it's steeping go over to hug her. I hug her from behind, and there is nothing in response. No hugging back, she didn't even touch me. So I say "I feel like you have something bad to tell me" and she says "Well, yeah". So I sit down across from her, and look at her. She is beautiful, even all stressed looking about the words she is about to say to me.
She starts in on how it's not me, and I haven't done anything wrong, and I automatically know where it's going. She tells me that she thinks I use her as an excuse for not going out at school. She thinks our relationship is holding the both of us back. She says that she's definitely going back to Spain next year, and that things have changed. I was her first relationship, and she doesn't want something that is permanent or forever. And yeah, I admit that I had said things along these lines... but after we'd been together for a year. She wants to play the field, so to speak. She said to me "I might have told you once that you were the love of my life, but I just don't feel that way anymore. I still love you, just not like that anymore."
And then she opened the floor to me. And I just sat there, looking everywhere but at her. I didn't know what to say, because I love her. She is my best friend, my lover, and my girlfriend. It just fucking sucks. Never once did she say to me that she was breaking up with me... she kinda just left it hanging. So after a long silence, and me trying to hold in my tears, I say "So you're breaking up with me". Her response :"Yes". Me: "Okay. I'm not going to sit in your kitchen and break down. Tell your family Happy Christmas. Goodbye." And I walked out.
I made it two steps out the door before my eyes were welling over with tears, and breathing got hard. I made it down the street before the sobs were so loud, I couldn't hear the radio. I called my mum, and she freaked out, and said that I shouldn't be driving, but that she would meet me at the barn in a little while. It took me a half hour before I calmed down enough to do work.
I don't know what to do... It's like the time I broke my elbow at the beginning of April vacation, where I broke it the first day, and couldn't do anything but sit and watched movies on the couch all drugged up. It's exactly like that: She broke up with me 4 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS and at the beginning of break, and I will be miserable for the rest of break, until I go back to school. UGH.
I don't want to be the girl who gets broken up with, who sits and wallows for days and days, and at the end had gained both Ben and Jerry to each hip. I want to wallow for a little bit, because I honestly think she was the love of my life. I still think that. I love her. And I can't change that... at least for a while. Someday, I will be able to be friend, even if it kills be because I value her friendship so much. I can't imagine losing her as a friend. It will just take a little bit. And her brother is the cutest thing ever, even though he was the last person I wanted to talk to. He messages me on Facebook, and asks if we can still be friends. Tears then and now as I think about it, but he's just so sweet.
Okay. I'm done. I don't want to cry about this any longer.
Maggie, sorry if you read this and think badly of me. It's the only place that I feel I can write this where you and your friends and family will see I'm sorry.
