The Balderdasher

so im on my phone and the formatting is shit. please excuse this blog.... but im at the mall and joanns isnt fucking open. all i want to do is go and buy some yarn to go down and knit with my grandmother. and joanns isnt even open. gahhh i hate when the rest of the mall opens way later than certain stores. and omg the arcade just turned on and made all sorts of popping sounds i thought it was exploding.

When you date someone, you share a lot of things. Things like jokes, books, kisses, sweatshirts, looks, and music. A lot of the time, when I break up with someone, I can't listen to that music. After the whole fiasco with she-who-must-not-be-named, I didn't listen to mutually liked music or music she gave me. I still cannot listen to Brand New because of her. This will change now.

So I don't feel so bad ranting and freaking out here. And anyone that does read this is probably family or friends and have heard it in person anyway. So here goes:

Today, Maggie broke up with me. I can't even think about that sentence without getting teary. Basically, she got home from Spain, and it was all good for like, a day. And then things got strange. She was shorter with answers, and kinda blowing me off though for what I thought were valid reasons.
(Interjection: I just looked at my cladagh, and it's not how it has been for over a year. God this sucks.)
Anyways... she said that rather than me coming come over to give her her Christmas present, that it would be a god idea me to come over because we had some things to talk about while she's home. Now mind you, she's been home since the 16th. It's the 21st. Whatever. I said yes, because why wouldn't I want to go over and hang out my girlfriend while she's only home for less than a month. So I get all my shit together: her parent's gifts, the family to family present, all my stuff, and head over there. By now, it's like 12:30. So I go in, with all my stuff, and take off my coat, shoes, gloves, put the presents down, and sit down. She's making tea, and asks if I want some. I say yes, and while it's steeping go over to hug her. I hug her from behind, and there is nothing in response. No hugging back, she didn't even touch me. So I say "I feel like you have something bad to tell me" and she says "Well, yeah". So I sit down across from her, and look at her. She is beautiful, even all stressed looking about the words she is about to say to me.
She starts in on how it's not me, and I haven't done anything wrong, and I automatically know where it's going. She tells me that she thinks I use her as an excuse for not going out at school. She thinks our relationship is holding the both of us back. She says that she's definitely going back to Spain next year, and that things have changed. I was her first relationship, and she doesn't want something that is permanent or forever. And yeah, I admit that I had said things along these lines... but after we'd been together for a year. She wants to play the field, so to speak. She said to me "I might have told you once that you were the love of my life, but I just don't feel that way anymore. I still love you, just not like that anymore."

And then she opened the floor to me. And I just sat there, looking everywhere but at her. I didn't know what to say, because I love her. She is my best friend, my lover, and my girlfriend. It just fucking sucks. Never once did she say to me that she was breaking up with me... she kinda just left it hanging. So after a long silence, and me trying to hold in my tears, I say "So you're breaking up with me". Her response :"Yes". Me: "Okay. I'm not going to sit in your kitchen and break down. Tell your family Happy Christmas. Goodbye." And I walked out.

I made it two steps out the door before my eyes were welling over with tears, and breathing got hard. I made it down the street before the sobs were so loud, I couldn't hear the radio. I called my mum, and she freaked out, and said that I shouldn't be driving, but that she would meet me at the barn in a little while. It took me a half hour before I calmed down enough to do work.

I don't know what to do... It's like the time I broke my elbow at the beginning of April vacation, where I broke it the first day, and couldn't do anything but sit and watched movies on the couch all drugged up. It's exactly like that: She broke up with me 4 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS and at the beginning of break, and I will be miserable for the rest of break, until I go back to school. UGH.

I don't want to be the girl who gets broken up with, who sits and wallows for days and days, and at the end had gained both Ben and Jerry to each hip. I want to wallow for a little bit, because I honestly think she was the love of my life. I still think that. I love her. And I can't change that... at least for a while. Someday, I will be able to be friend, even if it kills be because I value her friendship so much. I can't imagine losing her as a friend. It will just take a little bit. And her brother is the cutest thing ever, even though he was the last person I wanted to talk to. He messages me on Facebook, and asks if we can still be friends. Tears then and now as I think about it, but he's just so sweet.

Okay. I'm done. I don't want to cry about this any longer.
Maggie, sorry if you read this and think badly of me. It's the only place that I feel I can write this where you and your friends and family will see I'm sorry.

Mental breakdowns.
I'm not having one, I'm just being dramatic. But I feel like that right about now. Maggie is leaving tomorrow. Like gone for 16 weeks, 4 months.

I am so happy for her, and super jealous. But at the same time I am so terrified that everything is going to change, because she's going off to Spain, and I'm going off to Amherst. It's just really scary to think that we won't be able to hug or kiss or even actually look at each other until December, when I'm going down to St. Croix.

I dunno.
It's bittersweet. Just like camp was.

Camp though was great this summer! Totally going back next year!!!

Mmmm that's about it.
Kbye.

Once On This Island for the staff show.
New phone.
FUCKING HOT WEATHER.

I miss Maggie.
D:
It's hot.
And I'm really sleepy. D:

OMFG I LOVE HARRY POTTERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

$26,000 a year, and $1,400 a month.

That is what the government is paying me to go to college. Can your hardly believe it?? I know I can't. So basically, I owe my step dad everything. I'm going to college for free.

I can't handle it.

It's raining today, and we're still teaching. Tomorrow is my day off, and Tizzy and I are having a movie marathon while everyone else goes to Franconia Falls. OH! I'm going to dye my hair too!!

I miss Maggie, it was her birthday yesterday! I hope her card gets there soon!

Breakfast now, more updates later!

Kthxbye

Camp Changes!

CAMP 2010!

Well, I'm sitting in music tech, having just finished my melody project, and I'm so freakin' bored it's not even funny. So, I figured it's been like amillion years since I posted, so here I am! I don't really have much to update... I have a new haircut. I got straight A's on my last report card. I drew a comic for a certain girlfriend, and it's going in the mail today!! There is a new Nancy Drew out, but I already won it. I really just want to graduate already. AP Exams are next week. Holy crap.... not looking forward to that!! Then we have two weeks until senior exams and prom (Pembroke prom that is...) I feel like the days are going by really slow, but the time in total is going by SO quickly. I dunno...

$14,000.

(425):

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

(828):

Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.

(781):

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

(617):

i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me

Maggie
why are there no gay superheros? seriously
Ellie
cause they havent met my secret identity yet
Maggie
XD of course! sorry I forgot hahaha
Maggie
I'm totally going to go find some peril now XD
Ellie
hahah okay shine the rainbow when you need me!
Maggie
hahahahahahahaha, will do!
Maggie
bummm ba dum dum dummmm
Ellie
OH NO! IS THAT PERIL I HEAR?!?
Maggie
YES!
Ellie
SUPERHOMO TO THE RESCUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maggie
EEEEKKK! SAVE ME! (superhomo?! classic XD) Thanks superhomo! how will i ever repay you?
Ellie
(hahah i know right?) Well, miss, i think a kiss might do the trick! (are we for real right now?)
Maggie
(i think we just took dweebiness to a whole new level. like, even for us) I can do that!
Ellie
:D hahahahahahaha i cannot believe that just happened

^^^That's basically what just went down between Maggie and I. It's love, and I don't think you can beat it!

Anyyyyways! WE MADE IS ON TO SEMIS!!!!!!!!!!!! Ohmigosh I am so pumped even though I'm not on a crew :D I cannot wait for the semi-finals to start. The other schools the went on were Notre Dame Academy with First Person Plural and Hingham High School with At the Bottom Of Lake Missuola. Tori and I hosted Hingham (picture of us together below). They were great, even though their director was kinda bitchy.We dressed up as zombies, which made the day SO much better. The entire DSG cast won acting awards, and Tay won a directing award, the first award of it's kind they've ever given out.
Other than thatttttttt:
I think I want to become an art teacher.
Emerson is a bitch.
Financial aid can suck my dick.
Noms.... all day. Everyday.
Jack Hobbs and George Bixby=My heroes.
I made honour roll again. Did I tell you that?
My bangs are purple.
4 months and going strong.
Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art. Art... MaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggieMaggie
Basically all I think about.
Yeah. That's it. Pictures:

That this year was my first year in ever to have an actual valentine on Valentine's Day! Well it was, and it was great :D I couldn't think of anyone better to be my valentine than Maggie, and the night was just perfect.

Well, perfect besides the fact that Bronwen showed up at Chili's literally two minutes after we walked in and sat down. I almost flipped a tweety. Like is she trying to haunt me and ruin everything!?! Obviously yes... But it was all okay, becuase Maggie is amazing and we sat on the same side of the table and were that couple and it was cute. Then we came home and watched movies :D. I love her, like I can't even put into words how much I care for her. And she's probably gonna read this, and think I'm a hugeeeeeee dweeb but I don't careeeeeee. Because I honestly have never felt like this about anybody, ever. In my life. And I think everything is perfect, and that she is perfect. :D:D:D:D:D:D

Okay, I'll stop now XD Other things in my life....
Got $11,000 from CSC.
Still haven't heard from Emerson.
It's snowing.
I'm working at the barn 6 hours a week more or less. Going over again today.
It's very cold right now, maybe I should put on warmer clothes.

Just a little update.
Kthxbye

How I haven't had a post since, before 2010 began! Sorry about that guys! Nothing too new in my life. Realized that I have to do something about my food problem, so I'm planning out all my lunches, and all my breakfasts, and keeping a journal of what I'm eating, and really just keeping track. That was an ugly thing to talk about, and then therapy was brought up, so I was all I MUST CHANGE THIS ON MY OWN! Because I am so not sitting in a chair across from a gremlin again and having her not help me at all.

Other than that! Things are great! I am in three new art classes, I passed all my old classes so far with flying or almost flying colours. I made honour roll with everything at least, with the exception of English, because we haven't gotten the grade back yet. But I'm sure I did fine, because it's English and I mean really?! Anywho....

This year has been really great so far. Maggie and I still together, three months this past Sunday. My wooden photo project is going to be hung up be the superintendent's office in the glass case. See the picture below of what it's of. I am starting lots of new interesting pieces in AP Studio, and that should be fun. (Also a picture below of something I just finished). I was asked to do the farewell page in the yearbook, and Erin is helping me out, writing a little poem thingy.

Other than that...
She-who-must-not-be-named is back in school. Ew.
Still haven't heard from Emerson.
Cut my bangs. They go straight across now.
Still very much in love with Maggie Corcoran.
That's really it... just wanted to updateeeeee.

This is three photos that I took in photo class. Brought into photoshop, filtered and the two on the ends are inverted. It's meant to look like a film negative. It's not totally done yet, all the little white sqares need to be cut out too look like actual film. :D